The Reality of Back to School

For those of us in the South, the kids have gone back to school. My fellow dads in the North are soon to join in that mixed bag of peace and exhaustion that will soon have you wondering, “I should have more free time now, right?” It’s time for me to roam the house in my boxers, channel Bruno Mars and sing “The Lazy Song”. Housecleaning, shopping, cooking, laundry and yard work? No problem! The kids will be gone for six hours a day. I should be able to dedicate an hour or two to that to-do list. The rest of the day is mine (I am the freakin’ man, after all).

Then, reality sets in and that growing to-do list crushes your happy dance.

Back-to-school shopping, haircuts, new kicks (do you realize kids that have never seen #23 play will be begging you for the new Air Jordan sneakers?), doctors’ appointments (yes, I got copies of the physicals and shot records, and I’m 40% sure that I remember where I put them). And, yes, it will be “doctors”, plural. I’m sure that when I was a kid, I saw one doctor that was capable of treating all of my ailments, from the cradle to the grave. Not my kids, though. We will be seeing the pediatrician, the dentist, the optometrist, the allergist, the orthodontist, the dermatologist, the psychologist and – if you have girls – the gynecologist (if your daughter hasn’t had her period yet, you’ve got time before you need to schedule that appointment).

Got all of those boxes checked off? Don’t pat yourself on the back, yet.

After the first day of school, you will be informed that you bought your child the wrong clothes, wrong color sneakers and last year’s haircut. All of the school supplies that you found on sale? Wrong! “My teacher gave me this list of the stuff that I actually need, Dad.” So, don’t spend all of your money on that Labor Day vacation. You’ll be heading right back to the stores soon enough.

And, after that first week of school, you’ll notice that you’re getting a scratchy throat. Runny nose? Why do my joints ache? Is it cold in here? Next thing you know, you’re laying on the couch, wrapped in you’re Snuggie, building a mountain of used tissues. What did you expect, after shipping your kids off to Germs, Inc.? Must add tissues, cough medicine, and Purell to my shopping list.

I don’t think I’m going to have time to learn how to Dougie, this year. Instead, it’s going to be dance recitals, play dates, soccer practice, carpools, packing lunches, checking homework and bath times in your future.

These are the moments that make you a Dad and I, for one, wouldn’t trade them for the world. To quote the great Ferris Bueller,

Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

Damn skippy, Ferris! That reminds me, adding peanut butter to the shopping list.