Parenting Through the Loss of a Parent

The year started out normal. We were all together for new years and starting to wind down after the holidays. We headed to Florida for our annual Disney marathon weekend trek and had a great time. Settling into the new year with new jobs nicely. There had been an ER visit, a few doctors visits, and physical therapy, sometime in the previous few months but nothing that would prepare me for the next time I would make a visit through hospital doors. 

March 27, 2019 – I will remember the call for the rest of my life. I will remember the sound in moms voice when she said “Dad has cancer.”

Dad has Cancer

We all know our parents tones. We get good at picking up their vocal cues as children and use this tool differently as we get older. I knew it was serious. What she was telling me was coming from a place of concern. A place of life-altering questions and more than anything – fear. She later told me it was also from a place of anger. I would imagine the string of emotions stretches beyond what is memorable looking back.

I remember thinking of all the stories I heard. So many people who were given a potentially terminal diagnosis and come out strong on the other side. 

I would have given anything to have anyone give us a glimmer of something to hang a positive thought on. 

There’s Never a Good Time

I remember sitting in that small room at work. Trying my hardest to muster up the courage to keep it together. Even just long enough to make it through the rest of my work day without being noticed. I remember taking a deep breath before finally walking back to my desk and thinking “He’s going to be one of those success stories. He has always been stronger than anyone I’ve ever known why would that stop now?”

There were so many things I had still always looked to dad to answer or help figure out. Fixing different things around the house, the latest news on Detroit sports, or getting out of a speeding ticket (he was a police office for 34 years). Now in what seemed to be the blink of an eye my best friend and favorite resource was going to be removed from my life.

What’s Next

The next few months we spent the time trying to figure out what this all meant. To each of us in the family it meant something a little different. Being the oldest of four and the only other man, I felt a new sense of responsibility growing with each non-responsive chemo treatment. It hit me hard when the weight of the situation started to cave in. There were a lot of things that were quickly becoming my responsibility. 

As the summer dragged on there were more and more questions and less and less positive answers. How bad was it? Is this something that can be cured? How many test can we run before I am willing to accept what is so obviously in front me? 

Very, no, and at least one more.

It’s Not “Giving Up”

As we moved into the late summer months the outcome of his diagnosis became more and more grim. We had hit a point where the doctors were no longer talking about what chemo side effects might be. And more about whether it would be worth continue the chemo all together. 

Until this point I would have always said it was crazy to stop doing a treatment. After seeing him fall apart more and more with each treatment it became clear that this was no way to spend what could be the final weeks. 

That being said, you should never feel like someone gave up because they decided to stop treatment. In the same vein, you should also never feel guilty about what you did or didn’t do at the end. Everyone handles stressful situations differently. 

I remember my dad saying, “I don’t want you to feel like I am giving up.”. Those words never struck so deep. After all the struggles treatment put him through, we never felt like he gave up. My wife also reminded us how loved we were. That he was willing to go through such pain to spend one more minute with us. 

Listen with Intention

By the time July rolled around it was more and more obvious that we were spending borrowed time with dad. We needed to start mentally preparing ourselves for the inevitable. Every day we felt lucky to wake up and still have him there and every night we would say good night as though it was the last thing we may ever get a chance to say. 

It is funny how your words change when you don’t know how many more you will get. How much you begin to listen when a lifetime is measured in much smaller numbers. And the moments you begin to listen for when you need something to hang on to for forever. 

On August 21, 2019 in a room filled with the right people, I held his hand as he took his last breath. 

Moments later this same room of people had a simultaneous alert go off on our phones. The Detroit Tigers had hit a home run in a game that they would go on to win in the largest upset in over 20 years. It was the perfect tension breakers as we all chuckled knowing dad had stopped off in Houston to push a ball over the fence.

What Did I Learn

I tell you this story to give background to the discoveries I made through this experience. Some of these experiences are about parenting and some are just things I wish I knew sooner. 

Being tough 24/7 is not an option

There is a time to be tough and there is a time to be vulnerable. I am the only boy and have three younger sisters. What I learned from being the only man in a stressful situation was that I was putting pressure on myself to ‘man-up’ and be the strong one, when vulnerability was what I needed. Having vulnerable moments was what allowed me to be strong when it was necessary.

Keep your kids involved

Up until I was in the thick of it I would have never even considered having my daughter in the living room next to the hospital bed of my dying father. I would have thought I needed to protect her from this sight. But it wasn’t until she showed up next to me one evening while I was talking to my aling dad about how the Tigers were doing that I realized how well she was processing the situation and how much love she was able to give him through the whole process. There was not just a sudden disappearance of “Pampa”.
From the diagnosis, we would talk about what was happening and how pampa was sick. We would talk about how much he loved her and she would tell us how much she loved him. She would draw pictures for him and we would show him through his closed eyes. There seemed to be something therapeutic for everyone, including my dad, who responded to her touch up until the day he died. 

Never enough time

There will never be enough time but there will always be great memories. It has not been long since dad passed and I have certainly been going through my different stages of grieving. Some that I was expecting others not as much. But something I have found is that although I am sad to think about all the things dad will miss seeing of my little girl. The more I accept that I cannot change what is done, the more I have been able to open my mind to happier memories the two of them shared together.

Don’t wait to say I love you

I hate to put men under an umbrella so maybe this is less common than it appears, but why do we not tell our parents that we love them as often as we do our spouses? I fell into this category. Prior to the cancer diagnosis I’m not sure I could tell you that last time I told my dad that I loved him. I know he knew that I did, but I don’t think I could come up with the last time I had actually said the words. And, why is it that my wife tells her parents she loves them every day? Once there was a real expiration date on the ability to say so, I was throwing those three words out like they were baseballs in an MLB game. So guys, no more waiting, call dad (and mom) and tell them you love them right now.

Come together, right now

There was something interesting that happened in the final few months. I struggled to tell anyone what I was noticing without sounding like I was pointing fingers but I felt it was important to recognize. When people started to find out that he was not going to get better they suddenly all wanted to come visit. Some of these people were the regulars but some of them were coming out of the woodwork realizing they had been putting off coming for a visit for years and may miss their chance otherwise. As a family of story tellers and one that very much enjoys having people around these were some of the best days we all had. So again I say, no more waiting. Make plans to see someone you have been meaning to catch up with. You never know when that time may become limited and you don’t want to feel like that was the reason you made the plans. 

Parenting through the loss of your own parent is one of the most challenging experiences you may go through. Remember to lean on others, love as much as you can, and share your emotions with your family. If you are struggling from the loss of a parent or going through the challenges life can bring and can not seem to cope, please, reach out for help. There are many resources for you. Reach out to the Crisis Text Line, or the National Helpline. If you are looking for a support group contact My Grief Angels or Grief Speaks. 

“You’ve been a great audience.” – Chris Kruger

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