When my daughter was born I was pretty sure I was going to screw her up somehow. I still felt like a kid myself and now I’m going to be left in charge of an itty bitty human?! How is this possible? There was endless amounts of fear and an ever growing feeling of solitude. How is everyone else handling this so well? What do I need as a dad?
Of course there was my wife around to talk to. But she just spent 9 months growing a human inside her before pushing it out in a way that would have killed me. So any conversation I would have with her about how I was feeling seemed more like whining compared to the super human things she just went through.
So where do we turn?
Family
I’ve grown up close with my family and they have always been very supportive of having pretty open conversations. But when it comes to talking about my mental state around having this new tiny human around it was a bit more difficult. I have a pretty female heavy family which takes me back to that feeling like I’m whining thing again.
I had my dad as well and he was pretty great with finding the right thing to say. What was lacking was my ability to mention it to the guy I had spent my entire life admiring the strength of and assuming he couldn’t relate. It wasn’t until much later when I realized the wisdom I had missed because I didn’t ask.
Friends
It was about 5 months after my daughter was born that I was out with my best friend who had just had a daughter the year prior. I finally saw a small light in a dark tunnel. I had a made a joke about having watched some movie recently about a dad and daughter and that there was suddenly this strange liquid coming from my eyes. Saying it jokingly just in case I needed a quick out, back to light hearted land. But instead he responded with “Movies? There are some commercials I can’t watch anymore!”
This was a guy who I had grown up with. We practically lived at each others houses since middle school. Yet I was still feeling as though I had to keep this terrified feeling hidden. Why? Because we have always been taught that as men we are only meant to be strong and brave providers.
Well thanks to a better understanding of phycology in todays world, in the words of Bob Dylan “The times they are a change’n”
What does vulnerability mean?
The quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.
Websters Dictionary
When you look at the dictionary definition of what vulnerability means it’s no wonder it’s such a terrifying thing. It goes against everything we have been taught to guard ourselves from.
However Brene Brown, Ph. D, has a much better way of putting it.
“Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center of meaningful human experiences.”
Brene Brown, Ph. D.
How does vulnerability help me be a better parent?
Have you ever been given a giant task with not enough time to finish? There is a shadow that begins to loom over your confidence before you even begin the project. Some people will start the project knowing they won’t finish. Others will sacrifice their physical and mental health to try and push through. Some will hang up the tool belt before even getting started. Now image if that same project was asked of you and instead of feeling defeated, you decide to be real honest with yourself about your abilities and ask for help. Suddenly that task becomes feasible and you’re no longer alone.
For the Marvel fans:
Imagine you are the greatest plumber that ever walked the face of the earth. You’re the one they call when Hulk just smashed every pipe in the city and time is of the essence. You practically wear a cape made of plumbing tape and save the city. But now the mayor has just asked you also rebuild the sky scrapers Ironman threw an alien ship into. Do you say “Yeah I’ll get right on that!” or do you call in your reinforcements who work in that field and make sure it is done right? You bring in those with a different skill set and let them help.
Parenting is not that much different (minus the superheroes…sometimes). No one expects you to be great at every aspect of being a dad.
Flaws don’t make you weak, they make you normal
From what I can tell one of the most common misconceptions about parenthood is that we are unique. That we are the only people with these feelings and to share them would be revealing a weakness. But what if we reframe this thought and instead think of what happens when our concerns are heard by someone who has the same concern. Suddenly the issue we felt so uniquely ours can now be talked through with another version of the same concern.
What’s next?
When The Dad Crew began I had said I wanted it to be a place for dads to share their stories of trial and error in parenthood. I wanted to start breaking down the stigma attached to the overly masculine version of ourselves we had been shown our entire life. In order to get dads to realize for every worry we have ever had there are a million dads out there with the same worry wishing someone was experiencing the same things.
I know it is easier said then done but next time you are worried you’re the only one feeling a certain way, say something to a friend. I think you will be surprised what you hear in return.
Cheers!
3 Responses
Wow! One of your best Dad Crew posts Jay. As a parent 65 years ago at 20 yrs old, wish we would have had a “Dad Crew”, it would have helped a lot. John Sr.
Thank you, this was one I felt very strongly about. It’s not easy thing to admit sometimes but it was one of the most important things I learned. Thanks for continuously being a loyal reader!
[…] “Imagine if that same project was asked of you and instead of feeling defeated, you decide to be real honest with yourself about your abilities and ask for help. Suddenly that task becomes feasible and you’re no longer alone.” — The Dad Crew, Things I Didn’t Know I Needed as a Dad: Vulnerability […]
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