Imposter Dad | Are Things Too Good?

The day I found out I was going to be a Dad the nerves hit me hard, I’m talking Mike Tyson punch in the face kind of hard. Leading up to the day of the baby, things definitely did not get better. My wife had a fairly simple pregnancy so things were going very smooth. And on the surface I look like a very prepared dad. But on the inside I was anything but ready. I felt a little like an imposter!

Hospital Time

Shockingly it was actually at the hospital when I started to calm down. I’ve always been an optimistic guy but there was something about bringing a new human into the world that adds an element of suspense. I am now responsible for something I have little control over. That’s terrifying. I mean up to this point I had read the books, I had talked to other dads, and done my research. I felt prepared but when there was suddenly a new human in the world, and I helped create it, there is a whole new level of responsibility in life.

A Couple Years In

So now here I am couple years down the line and I feel like I’m doing a pretty good job. My daughter is healthy, she’s overall pretty happy, she’s advanced in many aspects for her age and I feel like I have to take at least a little bit of credit. But in reality I don’t feel like I went out of my way to do anything to make that happen. 

Nothing Really Changed

If we’re being honest I kind of just do everything I was doing before she came along. Sure I add a little more food to my plate knowing she’ll eat it and I add a few more conversations on a little kid level (these are pretty one sided). But I also do a lot of things that people told me not to do. I hand over a phone when I want to have a few minutes to enjoy a meal. I give her cookies when I feel like I wanted to spoil my daughter for a minute, probably too often. Now here I am a couple years into this parenting thing I have a pretty great daughter. And to be honest I feel little guilty about that. A little like an imposter.

What is it?

I know there’s no reason to feel guilty for having a great kid. So why do I?
Apparently this feeling of guilt is not uncommon, not just tied to parenthood, and even has a name. 

Imposter Syndrome

“a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a “fraud”.[1] Despite external evidence of their competence, those experiencing this phenomenon remain convinced that they are frauds, and do not deserve all they have achieved.”

Stop Assuming

As it turns out the reason for imposter syndrome it’s actually the thought that everybody is equal to begin with. The idea that everybody has exactly the same amount of effort put into their parenting as you. Now looking past the obvious issues in the difference between the time available to spend with your kids the idea that everybody puts in the exact same effort seems outrageous. But on some level we look at other dads, especially the ones who seem to have similar parenting beliefs as our own, and assume everything else is equal as well. 

Talk More

So how do we solve this? It’s actually much easier than I expected. Apparently all we really need to do is talk about being a dad a little more often. I know it sounds crazy, but talking more about our kids can actually help a lot of people stop feeling guilty for having good kids. Other dads can start realizing they are not the only ones who are just figuring things out as they go. 

Pat Yourself on the Back

Alright so let’s sum this up. You don’t need to feel guilty about being a good dad. You don’t need to feel guilty about pretty much anything good that’s going on in your life. Whether you got there on purpose or you got there by happy accident. Truth is, you’re a dad now and you’re kicking life’s ass. So talk about your kids more, talk about your life more, and start giving yourself a little more credit for the good things going on in your life.